seems truly to know. Tyler G. Hall has arguably already conquered Harvard. Seemingly a part of every major organization on campus (wink wink nudge nudge say no more), TGH has somehow developed into an phenomenon of equal proportions to his fellow Holworthy East residents Nikita Makarchev '11 or DJ Smolinsky '11. However, the question becomes: why? What is the secret ingredient besides hard work, fortitude, efficiency, and awesomeness in Tyler's repertoire? From this file photo, we may have an answer:
Indeed, it seems that an interesting, high-quality photograph provides a wealth of information as to his true identity. A picture of Tyler with none other than…Jon Staff V '10?! Of course, one must immediately think that the UC, in their desire to gain some degree of credibility, may be allying with the renowned Holworthian in order to prop up their power and have Drew Faust listen to them. However, GG recently received several tips that seem to corroborate an explanation even more nefarious than previously thought: Tyler G. Hall…is a soldier-of-fortune.
Yes, Tyler G. Hall, if that is indeed his real name, is the head of a vast private military company. Following the winds of war from Africa to the Middle East to Asia to, eventually, Cambridge, Tyler seems to be contracted out by the UC for something. Tyler, nicknamed "El Diablo de Cobra" from his recent ruthlessness in the Western Sahara and Equatorial Guinea, may be hired by Matt Sundquist '09 and his cohorts for government-security. Indeed, with the recent rise in outsourcing of military "contractors" to nations throughout the world (cough IRAQ cough), the UC may require the security provided by the one-man army known as TGH and his cohorts in TGH Security.
The presence of "Diablo de Cobra" on campus is indeed troubling, and may explain some other campus anomalies as well. In fact, the other Tyler Hall '11 may be a hired gun of the organization, a body double to confuse would-be assassins and government agents in their search for the mastermind behind the recent incident in (CENSORED- TOP SECRET- FOR GOVERNMENT'S EYES ONLY). One source inside University Hall speculated that his placement in Holworthy East was done at his behest: the presence of Nikita may confuse any attacker, while others may be attracted by the seductive wiles of Andre Pineda '11. The placement of Jon Staff
and Andrea Flores '10 is rumored to have also been done at Hall's behest. With his new home in PfoHo, what better place could he look after the heirs-apparent to the UC throne while not threatening himself with a potential missile strike on the house if they act up? Perhaps, even the scariest implication of all: could the UC, in alliance with Dean Tom Dingman '67 and former Dean of GSAS Theda Skocpol '76 want to overthrow President Faust? Could Tyler be aiding in a plot to subvert the university's authority, thereby establishing a triumvirate of rulers of Harvard? Only time will tell.If so, then truth must be spoken to power, even if that power has access to the President's nuclear football! Allons armees catholiques, le jour de gloire est arrive!
-Charlotte Corday
-Charlotte Corday
1 comment:
I hear TGH does car commercials. In Japan.
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