That Cute Guy in Your Ec10 Section? Actually an Asteroid.

Here at GossipGeek, we’re usually not in the business of substantial and thorough fact-checking. We’re usually not in the business of being sketchy, either, unless of course it’s about taking blurry pictures of hot celebs as they leave Starbucks with Frappuccino-laced drool. And when it comes to doing Google searches on our favorite Section People, we’re not the type to rely on actual information related to our subject. Yet, for once in our often trivial, always-hilarious existence, the truth may just be stranger than fiction (and sure as hell of a lot more interesting than the UC campaign).The last time we saw Michael Kapps ’11, he was conspiring with the Peter Bacon ‘11/George Hayward ’11 UC conspiracy ticket in search of a name and some insider info (for the record, Hayward has already usurp at least part of the Andrea Flores '10/Kia McLeod '10 campaign, which is now demanding an ATM in the quad and has already been fined for bbc'd mass emails with iPods in them. Peter Bacon fined them for it). At first we suspected that this dapper, quiet, mysterious gentleman was a sleeper agent for some sinister organization, or at the very least a badly-disguised alter ego for EC Chair Steven F. Cupps ’09, notably absent yesterday from existence, citing "being stuck in an airport" (Crimson, 2008) or something when, in fact, Mr. Kapps was ubiquitous on the Harvard celebrity scene. Or, at least, working his way up to a GossipGeek article.

Intrigued, your humble correspondents set out to find the truth (and, admittedly, some more eye candy) after re-encountering this character “interacting” with several pseudo-celebs at the GirlTalk Fiasco, including but not limited to former UC menace Bobo Bose-Kolanu ’11 (seen riding on the shoulders of Leonard Simmerman ’09). But even we weren’t prepared for the level of surrealism Google had in store for us.

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS COMPLETELY BASED IN FACT AND IS SUBSTANTIATED BY EVIDENCE OF SOME KIND. WE ARE NOT EVEN SHITTING YOU.

Harvard sources had already given us the basics: Kapps is simultaneously a pretty damn good painter, a Canadian, and a scientist. He’s also an accomplished athlete, and, apparently, a part-time UC bigwig. OH, RIGHT, and he runs an NGO in Ghana and the entire island of Mauritius (for the uninitiated, Mauritius is actually Heaven. Heaven with a sprinkle of corruption.) But we already knew all that he was Dalí, Jim Carrey, Einstein, Sugar Ray Leonard, Steven Cupps, and St. Peter combined.

What we didn't know, however, was that Kapps actually owned, you know, SPACE. According to Zoom Info, his real occupation is listed as "president of the Space Club", which is probably just a euphemism for "astronaut". Even if he did fly into space, what we actually found exceeded all our expectations.
Yup, Kapps somehow got himself his very own Asteroid. Like, a real one. Certified by NASA.

What does one even have to do to get an asteroid?? I mean, what kind of contribution to humanity do you need for that? We don't even KNOW where to go from there. All we've ever done with our miserable existence is make a shitty blog. And I guess we almost got sued that one time. And we'll probably be sued by Michael Kapps now, again. I think we've just found our new favorite Harvard celeb (sorry, Jon T Staff V '10).