Chris Ballesteros '12 Has Hilarious Ron Paul-like Following, Part I

Well, honestly, when we first broke this hilarious story about how some kid just started straight-up campaigning on the Facebook for a UC seat before classes even started, we were just bored because Roy T. Willey '09 hadn't done something funny yet, and Randall Sarafa '09's brothel business was closed for the summer semester. We never thought we would unearth such a hilariously nefarious fan club as the one we have found.

The comments section is up and open, so you could read those for yourselves, but here we have received some fanatical emails from Chris W. Ballesteros '12 peregrines. Some of them are fierce:

"wussy!!!!! you just have to go and attack him from the internet as oppose
to just straight up saying it to his face huh? YOU CAN'T FIGHT YOUR OWN
BATTLES!!!! only wussys can't back up there internet talk with straight up
facing the music. watch, this mayhem will come back to bite you in the
a**! You can make sure of that."

All of this is hilarious for obvious reasons. We would have notified Chris Ballesteros that he was violating UC protocol "to his face" if we knew him and were not, y'know, members of an anonymous press association. Also, battles? music? wussys? a**? There is nothing we could say that is snarky enough to ridicule this email properly.

Then there are the nice ones:

"I kindly ask you not to talk about my dear friend Chris in such a manner that would ruin his reputation based on false matters. If you were to cut him down, could you use facts and at the very least get to know the "who" of Chris, and not the idea of him being someone you don't even know. To even over react or even go over board on "ranking" someone without even getting to know the person, let alone meeting them/ seeing them, is down right dirty. I assure you that he is not a "douche" or even sayings things like "Coming into his first year at Harvard with a bachelor's from Purdue in "business management" and running his own wedding photography business, he's got quite the reputation for a Harvard freshman. In fact, probably not since the matriculation of Greek-pop superstar Petros '09 or hot-shot TV producer Derek Flanzraich '10 has there been such buzz around a single student. Oh, and it helps that he's so dreamy!: and posting a picture of something that does not even faintly resembles Chris. Once again I ask kindly that you stop this nonsense."

Well, kind sir who cc'd our protagonist himself, you seem slightly more rational than your counterparts. Your main problem is that you do not understand the nature of GossipGeek. Read any other article by us and you'll see what we mean. We're sort of confused where you got the word "douche" from (the word used in the article was "douchily"- an adverb- and Chris, a person, is a noun, so it could not have modified our hero) and how you would possibly think that it is offensive to be compared to Petros '09 or Derek Flanzraich '10. Methinks you owe both those respectable young gentlemen an apology.

Anyway, you can already see where this is going, and just how obsessive and awesomely passionate/ridic the Ballesteros following is, and how much it resembles the following of great American Hero Ron Paul. To avoid issues of tl;dr, we will be continuing this post shortly.