Gossip Geek Goes Global (or, uh, Corporate?)

Wonderful news from Gossip Geek's new headquarters! As you all know, we recently did some spring cleaning and put together this lovely webspace you see here especially for our favorite stars: the future presidents, tv anchors, and sex bloggers of the world. However, what we waited until today to tell you is Peter Bacon '12 hasn't been the only person knocking on our doors every day for the past two months trying to get our lazy asses to write. In fact, the only reason we have been able to afford such amazing detail in our web design is because we recently became affiliated with one of the most prestigious organizations on campus - The Crimson!

That's right - The Crimson shelled out a hefty sum of $40,000 to your former editor-en-jefe for the name and rights to this blog, and made it up with the style and class that only a Crimsonite could maintain. Now it is Hoochie Coochie Man, Emperor of Love, and Mozambique - and not Roy T. Willey IV '09- that are literally buried in gold coins, which is the only currency the Crimson pays their business partners in. Here is a picture of us soaking up the sun!

Oh, and your new Gossip Geek here? Let's just say there was a reason the Crimson didn't have me back as an op-ed columnist this summer with my bf(f?) Bruno ;).

So stay tuned for all the salacious 14 Plympton Street gossip you could possibly want - it's an all-you-can-eat buffet of who is writing about who and which FM comper is sleeping with which President of the Crimson. Oh, wait...

[edit: April Fool's! Your GossipGeek would never sell out to those bourgie dilettantes over at the Crimson. And your GossipGeek would never accept gold coins as proper pay (lie)]

Happy Birthday To Our Favorite Conservative

Christopher Lacaria '09 turns 22 today. Everyone help us wish our favorite conservative a very happy anniversary of birth.

Normal: Class of 2013 Just As Overeager As Class of 2012

As of 12:05AM, March 31st, 2009, there are 146 members in the Facebook group, "The Harvard Class of 2013." Is this normal?

There are also six other Facebook groups with titles that are variations of this same name. Is this normal?

There are already 19 discussion topics. One of them, of course, is The Harvard Crimson whoring itself out to overeager prefrosh who probably pore over their website everyday anyway. "Subscribe to the Harvard Crimson TODAY!" reads the title of the thread. Haha, um. No.


Here are a few gems plucked from the wall so far:

Rita Housseiny wrote
at 11:11pm yesterday
I can't wait anymore! My heart is racing 1000000 beats per second!!!!

Blaine Bolus wrote
at 12:40pm on January 24th, 2009
HARVARD '13 is gonna rageee helll yeah!!!

Anthony Gigliotti wrote
at 9:41pm on December 19th, 2008
I should not have gotten in but my mom fucked the dean

Are such wall posts normal? Yes. So far the "Class of 2013" (or rather, anxious hopefuls at this point in time, as official decisions have not come out yet) seems to be completely and disappointingly normal. Overeager? Check. Obnoxious? Check. Ready to "rage"? Check. Yet GG can't wait to welcome the frosh of 2013. Stay tuned, as we will probably correctly stalk pick and endorse the future celebs of 2013 as Admissions Day rolls by. We are unabashedly hoping for more Luis Martinezes and Christopher Ballesteroses.

VIVA LA GOSSIP GEEK

Gossip Geek here. Your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Harvard's elite [and bourgeois]. And we're back, bitches.

GG says: GTFO out of my blogosphere, FlyBy.

We know you missed us. God bless your poor little soul planted in front of your screen, obsessively clicking the refresh button for days on end (since December, dammit!) - but to no avail! We know you gave up on us. We know you went through denial. We know you barraged our inbox with angry/desperate/drunk pleas for more posts. We know you cried. We know you updated your blog/Facebook/Twitter/other-online-apparatus about how emo your life has become because of our absence.

But grieve no more. Gossip Geek lives on. Gossip Geek never dies.

And believe us, we have tons to report. Tons to fabricate. Tons more Harvard celebs. Tons of lousy attempts at new media to be dealt with. Tons of gossip for you to enjoy, deny, or help spread.

Stay tuned. Gossip Geek is back.

P.S. - And yes, the blog has been redesigned. Is this ~Sorrento~ enough for you, Crimson? (Ah, but that is another post altogether.) Come gaze at your favorite Harvard celebs, old and new, ya'll. Also: pink. As always.

GossipGeek now has 100% Endorsement Success Record!!!!

As everyone knows, the UC elected its first Latina president last night despite the many, many attempts by the powers-that-be to steal the election out from under her. Thus, we are the only organization on campus that has a 100% positive endorsement ratio. On a related note, Peter Shields '09 also has an 100% endorsement ratio (he endorsed Sundquist-Sarafa last year by being in that facebook group). What does this mean? Peter Bacon '11- you should start courting us sooner rather than later if you want to succeed Andrea.

But the real morning after story here isn't at all this silly hullaballoo about race and class and pretty curly hair. GossipGeek has been forwarded some exclusive hilarious information on Election Commissioner Steven T. Cupps '09, a smooth operator from the start with some dealings on the UC underground. It appears that Cupps is really, really not corrupt, says a reliable source (namely, Steven Cupps). So much so, that it really kinda super upsets him when people claim he is, despite the rice and mango he made last Sunday by suspending and attempting to shut Andrea's campaign down because a dual agent working for the Schwartz campaign, one Sangu Delle '10, tricked a tropical Flores staffer into breaking the rules by disappearing deep into the heart of Africa mid-campaign, or something. We'll give him and Cupps the benefit of the doubt, acknowledging that others have hurt the poor man's feelings enough and that, really, who gives a shit.

Now to the juicy part. Sometime IOP and Dems hack and On Harvard Time comedic mastermind Brian Kaufman '10, a friend of the Flores campaign, thought that this entire corruption Mike Ragalie-Tamar Holoshitz-(?)Steven Cupps threesome scandal (as Daniel Kroop '10, Flores campaign manager, likes to suggest) was a little too much to hold in, even if they didn't succeed in their ultimate goal. So he sent a friendly email to Lowell-open that started perhaps the funniest chain of events in Election Commission history. We will reproduce the best parts of the chain in the below post, but for those of you without the attention span/time to wade through the mud, there's the SparkNotes version:

Brian Kaufman: na na na na na! Nice try corrupty McCorruptionstein! Steven Cupps is so incompetent at cheating Andrea won anyway! LOL!

Rahul Prabakhar: Yeah! You tell him Cupps!

Steven Cupps: Oh you little- I'm going to beat the shit out of you, you fucker. Come to my room so Ragalie and I can double-team you like the bitch you are. I'm so manly right now.

BK: Oh yeah! I forgot about you, Rahul! You're an asshole, too.

Ralph Paone:






Mike Ragalie: [Something boring that explains things legitimately]

BK: Thanks, Mike. Steven, why didn't you just say that?

SC: I'm beating the shit out of you, you little piece of shit. You spend all your day watching midget porn and offending Charles Darwin. You're completely not important enough for me to talk to. Go off running to your mom. Also, apologize to my feelings. In sum: fuck you.

Semi-Full Transcript of the Brian Kaufman-Steven Cupps Lowell War

On Mon, Dec 15, 2008 at 11:30 PM, Brian Kaufman wrote:

In the words of the great Toby Ziegler: "It isn't so much that you cheat, it's how brazenly bad you are at it."

Congrats to Andrea and Kia, despite the best efforts of Cupps and Co.

Flores-McLeod '08!

-Brian
On Mon, Dec 15, 2008 at 11:39 PM, Rahul Prabhakar wrote:
Um, it's over and your candidate won. No reason to stick it to a fellow Lowellian, and a great guy at that.
From: Brian Kaufman

Date: Mon, Dec 15, 2008 at 11:45 PM

To: Lowell Open

Sorry Rahul, forgot to include your name in there too. My bad.

Slander is never ok, no matter who wins.
From: Steven Trent Cupps
Date: Mon, Dec 15, 2008 at 11:56 PM
To: Lowell Open
Brian,

I don't know who you are, but if you have something to say to me, I'd suggest saying it to my face.

I have a clear conscience that I fulfilled my duties as Election Commissioner to the best of my abilities without bias. Now, if you want to call me a cheater, then don't be fucking coward about it, and don't slander my name on my house list because you are ignorant about the facts and too stupid to find out about them.

I'm in Q-22 if you have any questions. Or any other place if you'd rather keep calling people names.

Put up or shut up.

-Steven
From: Mike Ragalie
Date: Mon, Dec 15, 2008 at 11:56 PM
To: Lowell Open
Hi Brian,

You're right that we should've gotten a fuller explanation out earlier. I was on duty last night and take full responsibility for that. As explanation, though not excuse, the EC's primary concern last night was to deal with the tons and tons of reports, petitions and random duties that come up in the last 12 hours of the election. Given that these could not wait, there just wasn't enough time to draft this longish explanation *and* take care of those other things.

On the other hand, we did give the Flores campaign permission to send out an email explaining "their side" of the story, and the Schwartz campaign -- not being under any penalty -- was obviously also free to email and speak to the press. Both campaigns were well represented in the story that appeared in the morning's Crimson.

Finally a relatively informative statement was sent out to this list last night and to anyone who emailed the EC account asking for clarification that explained what I just explained without the fine detail. I've appended it below.

-Mike

From: Brian Kaufman
Date: Mon, Dec 15, 2008 at 11:56 PM
To: Lowell Open

As I noted last night when this response was sent to the list, it was insufficient and vague. The fine detail is the important part, and allows the reader to objectively gauge the situation for him/herself. We didn't even get a yes or no from the EC about the correctness of the basic facts in the Flores campaign's email. How were we supposed to accurately judge the situation?

Anyway, it seems like now we've cleared up most of the facts. The most important thing is that this incident should be seen as a mistake to learn from for the next EC.

-Brian
From: Steven Trent Cupps
Date: Tue, Dec 16, 2008 at 11:10 AM
Subject: Re: [Lowell-open] Dear Election Commission,
To: Lowell Open

Brian,

First, our press release explain what the penalties are, not the process by which we came to decide them. Otherwise everyday would be a two paragraph long explanation of the philosophical justification of charging Waite/Petri $7.50 every day they don't turn in their expense report.

Second, perhaps you should realize that you aren't the center of the universe. Sure you were demanding explanations. However, so were the other campaigns. I was spending most of two nights ago on the phone with each campaign trying to specify how much Flores/McLeod could say to the press and how much time we'd give them to wind the operations down. I was also dealing with disgruntled members on my own Commission who were semi-publiclly accusing me of corruption. This was why I was try to get enough sleep for a 7-hour job interview on Monday. That is why I did not drop everything b/c you were bitching and moaning on Lowell-open.

1. It's your Mom's job to comfort you when you are crying, not mine.
2. Your complaints really weren't my time to answer. You were free to email Mike or someother individual on the EC and they would've maybe found you important enough to talk to, though I doubt you are.

Third, I requested the signatures because there were irregularities on the Campaign Staff List they sent in. Some people had said publicly on Dems-Talk that they didn't know that they were on the campaign list. Other people privately expressed shock that they were on the list, which does not square away with a list of individuals who consented to be on the campaign. So, I invoked a rule that the candidates had known about after they had filed for office. In the past, all campaigns had been required to keep signatures on hand although they weren't always used. We thought that rule was too restrictive and told the candidates they don't have to keep the signatures on hand, but we could request them within 24-hours. The risk was there to take. The decision to ask for signatures proved correct b/c there were other irregularites (namely the presence of two individuals who had been working on the Schwartz campaign the entire time--one of whom had written to Andrea over a month earlier saying he didn't want to be on her campaign)

Fourth, we suspended the Flores/McLeod campaign because they forged a signature. Another individual signed for Sangu Delle who was in Ghana at the time. This wasn't specified and was written in a manner to pass it off as geniune signature (which is a forgery). Beyond it being a forgery, it was stupid. I had specified to Eric Hysen and Andrea Flores that if someone was out of the country they just need to say that and we wouldn't count it against them. Instead they chose to submit a false report for our investigation into them for submitting false reports. If that isn't an ethical violation, then you are Rod Blogojevich. We then voted to suspend them because part of our elections deal with honesty. We expect candidates to honestly report their finances and honestly deal with us, whether its in reporting other candidates' violations or helping us in their investigation of their alleged violations. If we ever catch a campaign lying to us (which is apparent in this case b/c people knew that the signature was not Sangus) then we have to act swiftly and severely.

Fifth, you still had no right to call me a cheater on this list. I would like an apology.

In sum we have learned:

1. I had more important things to do than listen to Brian Kaufman bitch and moan.
2. The EC requested signatures because there were irregularities in the staff report (more of which surfaced upon the request)
3. The EC suspended the campaign because instead of saying Sangu was out of the country which we said they could, they tried to pass a signature signed by someone else as real.
4. Brian Kaufman likes to cowardly accuse people on Lowell-Open instead of speaking to their faces.
5. Brian Kaufman doesn't actually put out when he's called out and continues to hide behind his computer (where he watches midget porn all day) blaming the EC for mismanaging its job because he was too lazy to check up on things himself.
6. Brian Kaufman should apologize to the EC for calling them corrupt, apologize to Lowell-Open for wasting their time, and apologize to Charles Darwin for proving his theory wrong by somehow being the incarnation of genes that should've been selected out eons ago.

If there are any other questions, please feel free to ask me. Though I'll be on a plane all day. (Brian, this means if I don't get back to you instanteously, you shouldn't cry and post on Lowell-Open.)

Sincerely,
Steven

BREAKING NEWS: GossipGeek Endorses Andrea Flores '10 and Kia McLeod '10 in UC Elections

After much round-table discussion on the candidates' statements to our very respectable organization regarding their favorite celebrities, we have finally made a decision on endorsements.

GossipGeek (and Petros '09- see below) officially endorses Andrea Flores '10 and Kia McLeod '10 for UC President and Vice President. Please click here to vote.

This may come as a surprise to many who know the comical nature of our institution. And, if fact, it saddens us that we have lost many of the options we originally supported. While we were never able to endorse Roger Waite '10 and Alexandra Petri '10 because of their relationship to Harvard's very own Jeremiah Wright, and we were always a bit taken aback by how seriously Charles James '10 and his invisible running mate Max Wong '10 took this whole social service giving back to the community thing, narrowing down from there was quite a problem.

Our hearts were always a little bit (read: a lot) biased towards the unlikely pair of Michael Koenigs '09 and Aneliese Palmer '12, mostly because Alaska and because we are big fans of small animals. However, in his statement to GossipGeek regarding his favorite Harvard celebrity, he mentioned someone we had never heard of, which made him lose points with us. Additionally, he was apparently killed during the second UC debate, which makes it difficult for us to endorse him. Our hearts and very dirty minds are with the campaign and his sexy but ultimately useless bodyguard, Ricardo.

Because great minds tend to think alike, it was difficult to choose between the two main tickets of Ben Schwartz '10 and his running mate, Alneada Biggers '10, and Andrea and Kia. On paper, their platforms sound very, very similar, mostly because Schwartz stopped talking about the party fund when Andrea destroyed his point at the Dems endorsement meeting. The only main differences involve some ATM in the quad nonsense on Andrea's part, and an even more ridiculous proposal to diversify the Housemasters, somehow, through the UC, by Ben. But, being the kind of organization we are, we don't really care about platforms, right? We care about celebrities.

And it just so happens that Andrea and Ben have yet one more thing in common with each other and with us- their favorite celebrity. Both parties sent us very humorous and agreeable statements about our very own pagan deity, Petros '09, and what a hottie he is. However, we have to admit that the passion in Andrea's statement was significantly stronger (maybe because she's attracted to men, we think?) and wittier. Read for yourself:

Our favorite Harvard celebrity? Clearly Petros '09. The Flores-McLeod campaign has close contact with Mr. Petros, owing to his close ties to the theatre/dance community (of which Kia is an active member), and his production of dance-pop music videos (of which Andrea and Kia are active viewers). The Flores-McLeod ticket believes that students deserve leadership that makes them feel like "V.I.P."s during weekend social life, and that students, "Afroditi" or not, are protected from the ongoing "Predator" that is a detached UC. Also, that Mr. Petros' definition of "Body Glow" be consigned exclusively to his music video.

We would like also to announce that Mr. Petros had previously promised to endorse whatever candidate was endorsed by GossipGeek, so the Flores/McLeod campaign can now rack this endorsement up to their name, as well. His exact quote: "DO IT. I don't know who or what or why, but I endorse what you endorse. Go crazy ;)"Oh, also, Girltalk, lollercoaster.

REMEMBER: Voting ends really soon, so you want to go here and take two seconds out of your life to ensure more funding for Peter Shields by voting for Andrea and Kia.