I first viewed Matthew di Pasquale '08's new skin mag, Diamond, in the hopes of nay-saying a deeply hated nemesis of mine, who had claimed that the publication "is the most fucked up embarrassing thing anyone has ever done to themselves." Upon first seeing the cover, I cackled with the realization that my foe had missed the fact that this magazine was a total joke, because my first two reactions to the featured pic of di Pasquale's bushy thatch of chest hair were "Austin Powers," and more horrifyingly, "Daniel Radcliffe." Unfortunately, when I began to browse the magazine, the chuckles ended there. Not only had Matthew given himself the sickening nicknames "Diamond di Pasquale" and "Diamond in the Buff," he had included a mind-boggling number of nearly identical posed nude pics, which he claimed "show off my sexy bod." It seems that nothing in the magazine could be worse than his disturbingly "touristy grins" (GG former reporter, 2008), thick tufts of hair, and deflated penis, but my heart sank even further when I saw that "Diamond" had decided to use an especially glitzy frame for those photos: his resume. An eight-page interview (in which the interviewer is, embarrassingly again, obviously himself) allows him to display his bloated Harvard credentials in horrifying detail.
However, I held out one last hope: after the exciting warnings about nudity and sex on his blog's homepage, and after having to struggle not to vom on his pics, I at least wanted to be rewarded with some full-frontal nude pictures of the other featured student, "Fancy Fiona," a sexy figure skater. Instead, all I saw was a parade of fashion-missing outfits and a bikini that revealed all too little. When I persevered in hopes of finding out a few steamy details about her "sexual explorations," as the blog warned, all I discovered were Seventeen-Magazine-esque bits of advice that left me feeling as limp as Diamond's penis: "To get a boyfriend, just be yourself!" and "Honesty is the key to a solid relationship." Now I won't be able to send a mocking email to my reviled foe about how he was so, so wrong. Thanks a lot, Diamond. I don't know why anyone would want to check it out all my warnings, but just in case: http://diamond-mag.com/
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