Freshman Candidates Assault Facebook in Political Murder-Suicide, Part I of ∞

It's the most wonderful time of the year! Well, at the very least, the second most wonderful, right after the Cirque du UC Presidency rolls into town. For now, we'll have to survive on this sweet, cool autumn time, when all the over-zealous, power-thirsty freshmen running for the UC start creating a name for themselves via The Facebook, the lastest in political gadgetry. Their original intentions, we believe, are to make themselves out to be good-natured doe-eyed idealists who want to make a difference in this world and understand the force of good they can tap into by being in the UC. Of course, the end result is inevitably a menagerie of super-toolish, ultra-ridiculous, and supremely irrelevant (to politics, perhaps, but not to comedy!) Facebook groups to advertise their candidacies. Mark Zuckerberg ‘02/’45, Harvard's very own MySpace Tom, would be proud.

It takes a character of certain grandeur, certain determination, a certain... je ne sais quoi to lead the charge in this virtual arena, and who else could we turn to in this time of need than GossipGeek's favorite Filipino boxing champion turned insatiable rulebreaker, Christopher J. Ballesteros '12? Observe:Apparently what sets our good friend Mr. Ballesteros apart from ALL the other candidates, who we’re sure he knows personally and intimately, which enables him to make such a judgment, is that he has no “preconceived or personal agenda.” Nope, Chris has never thought about politics in his entire life, or planned anything remotely political. Hell, he doesn't even know what an "agenda" is. But, could this be true? According to our favorite Hawaiian local news station, KHNL NBC 8, the doe-eyed victims here may not be the frosh, but GossipGeek itself, for ever having thought that Chris had absolutely no preconceived plan to run for UC before this week:

Why, our humble candidate who has no preconceived or personal agenda seems to have omitted one simple fact: he aspires to be on the UC so he can be President so he can get into Harvard Law so he can become President of the United States of America. Your six state championship debate trophies won’t help you get elected, Chris, but your facebook group certainly will! Take note of the slew of admins Ballesteros is advertising in his group, too many of which are suspiciously high school students. Scandal? I think so.

But what further sets Christopher apart is his willingness to “campaign and fight for you.” Certainly the proud residents of Matthews, Weld, Grays, and Apley will appreciate your willingness to FIGHT for cleaner marble and better granite in the bathrooms of Apley. They must inevitably expect him to be on his knees scrubbing the floors of Apley every single day, FIGHTING FOR YOU, and we will hold him to the same standards if he wins.

Luckily, Christopher’s FIGHT FOR YOU is rendered significantly easier by the fact that his opponents (while including your very close personal friend from college) do not include one Ian Merrifield, ’12. His facebook group features the token slang joke, “both in the ‘political office’ sense and the ‘gangsta rap’ sense," and a clearly informed comment on the functions of the UC:

“A lot of students aren’t familiar with how the UC works. Here’s a quick summary….each of those reps works one of two committees: the Student Advocacy Committee…”

The last time we checked, Ian, it was called the Student AFFAIRS Committee. Don’t be embarrassed, we here at GossipGeek still can’t quite wrap our heads around what it is the UC actually does, aside from fund student organizations such as the acclaimed publication Diamond Magazine. Go get em froshies!

Ed. Note: Valentino, our latest author, is a world-reknowed gossipmonger and CIA agent. He is fierce with a pair of daggers and likes guanabana. Welcome!